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Re: Clean Humor Thread
A fat guy walks out of a chip shop with a massive portion of chips, large fish, jumbo sausage and a meat pie.....
As he walks out he see's a down and out person who say's to him, "I havn't eaten in three days"
The fat guy replies..... "Boy, I wish I had your will power".....
Ollie.
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Re: Clean Humor Thread
Two women were walking down a street when they spotted a frog.The frog looked up and said, "I used to be a handsome, wealthy stockbroker, but I was turned into a frog. If one of you kisses me, I will be turned back into my original self. And I will be mighty grateful."
One of the women stooped down, picked up the frog and placed
him in her purse. The two friends walked on for a while, but the
other finally got curious and said, "Aren't you going to kiss the
frog and turn him back to what he was?"
"Nah," she replied. "I'd rather have a talking frog."
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Re: Clean Humor Thread
My 10-year-old daughter has decided she is an environmentalist.
So she talked me into participating in an aggressive recycling
effort with her.
Last week she and I took what proved to be 134 pounds of card-
board boxes to the recycling center and earned $1.34. Counting
gas and ice cream, we turned a profit of -$7.85.
We're going to use generally accepted accounting principles and
see if we can apply this amount to our taxable income.
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Re: Clean Humor Thread
Two Heathrow Airport baggage handlers, Bill and Fred, hear that aircraft fuel gives cocktails an extra kick, so they steal some to liven up a night's drinking. Sure enough the fuel cocktails taste great, and the pair get plastered.
Next day Bill is woken by the phone. He answers it and hears Fred on the other end.
'How do you feel?' asks Bill.
'Not bad,' replies Fred, 'but tell me, have you farted this morning?'
'No,' says Bill.
'Well don't,' replies Fred. 'I did and I ended up in Paris.'
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Re: Clean Humor Thread
Woman's Poem
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his mother used to do.
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Re: Clean Humor Thread
me and 'him indoors' were chit chatting, as you do, around the kitchen table, when he suddenly says to me:
G: If I were to die suddenly, i don't want you to keep my clothes, either sell or get rid of them
A: Now why would you want me to do that?
G: Coz I reckon eventually you'll re-marry and I don't want some other arsehole wearing my clothes
......well, I didn't falter with my answer.........
A: And what makes you think I'll marry another arsehole !!!.....lol :)
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Re: Clean Humor Thread
Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys.. Rum and ice will ruin your liver... Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart... Gin and ice will ruin your brain...Coke and ice will ruin your teeth... Apparently ICE is LETHAL!!! Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice!! Copy and paste this immediately... it can save a life..!!!!!!!!!!! xxx
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Re: Clean Humor Thread
I was sound asleep when the telephone jarred me awake.
"Hi!" It was my peppy mother-in-law.
She proceeded to rattle on about the busy day
she had ahead and all the things that
awaited her the rest of the week.
"Mom," I interrupted. "It's five in the morning."
"Really? What are you doing up so early?"
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Re: Clean Humor Thread
Anthony and Kathy married. Anthony thought this would be a modern
marriage, which meant equal roles for equal partners.
So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, Anthony brought
Kathy breakfast in bed.
Kathy wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She
looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "A poached egg? I
wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the next morning, Anthony brought his true love a
scrambled egg.
Kathy wasn't having any of it. "Don't you think I like variety? I
wanted poached this morning!"
Determined to please Kathy, the next morning he brought his true
love two eggs - one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love...
enjoy!"
Kathy was furious, "You scrambled the wrong egg!"
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Re: Clean Humor Thread
LMAO! :)
Best wishes for many sales to all,