Clean Humor Thread

[FalonTowers]

1632 was not a good year...

[FalonTowers]

[FalonTowers]

[cambrensis]

Thanks choccy!
Looking at the list I can offer the following:

My lot stopped using the "move next door" method after making a complete circuit of Stonehenge;
Oven...gave up years ago and use a clockwork timer on the worktop;
Car radio: I never have this on. It spoils my delight at hearing myself cuss at other motorists!!
Mobile.yes! I can see the figures!!

[FalonTowers]

[FalonTowers]

Jesus was relaxing in Heaven when he noticed a familiar looking old man. Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, “Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?”
“Yes,” said the old man, “but he wasn’t my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens.”
“Very interesting,” said Jesus. “Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?”
“Oh, yes, many times,” answered the old man. “But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards.”
Jesus couldn’t believe it. Could this actually be His father?
“One last question,” He said. “Were you a carpenter?”
“Why yes,” replied the old man. “Yes I was.”
Jesus rubbed His eyes and said, “Dad?”
The old man rubbed his eyes and said, “Pinocchio?”

[sucadot]

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

[FalonTowers]

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.
Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now **** shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.

[FalonTowers]

VERY INTERESTING FACTS!


Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go?

Wonder no more!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

[sucadot]

What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'?

3 different answers