Clean Humor Thread

[cambrensis]

It was time for the RE lesson in a primary school and the teacher was talking about God. She had just told the children that although God is invisible, He is everywhere.

One little girl jumped up in protest. "No, Miss! My Daddy knows exactly where He is! Every morning he hammers on the bathroom door and yells - 'My God! Are you still in there?' "

[sucadot]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"

[sucadot]

Recently a teacher, a bin man, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly gates.

St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the bin man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odours that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the bin man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[bluebedouin]

‘Twas on the eve of the Battle of Hastings and Harold’s army was short of 100 archers, so he sent twenty of his scouts off to each find five archers to make up the numbers.
One wily old captain and his trusty sergeant-at-arms, having marched for two days were tired and fed up, so the captain said “Come on, let’s get this over with quick, then we can get some rest”.
Coming into a small hamlet, they assembled the locals on the village green and demanded to know which of them could shoot a longbow. Five men raised their hands.
“Ok” the captain told them, “Let’s see what you can do.” and he pointed to an oak tree about 50 yards away. “Let’s see if you can hit that” he told them. The five took aim and shot their arrows.
Four of them hit the tree, the other one went God knows where.
“What do you think about hiring that fellow, sergeant?” asked the captain. “I think no one will notice him in the heat of battle cap’n” replied the sergeant, "but it's up to you, you're the boss". "Right," said the captain to the five men, "you're all hired."
As they marched back to camp, the sergeant turned to the man whose arrow missed the target and said, "You watch what you're doing tomorrow. You'll have someone's eye out if you're not careful."

[sucadot]

In a church one Sunday morning a preacher said,

"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front of the altar."

With that, Peter got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked,

"Peter, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

He replied,

"Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand on Peter's ear, placed his other hand on top of Peter's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,

"Peter, how is your hearing now?"

Peter answered,

"I don't know. My hearing is actually next Thursday in the magistrate court."

[cambrensis]

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:


1.. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.


2.. My wild oats now are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.


3.. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.


4.. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


5.. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


6.. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?


7.. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.


8.. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the lamppost.


9.. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.


10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.


11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.


12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.


13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.


14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.


15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.


16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.


17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".


19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


20. HAVE I POSTED THIS MESSAGE BEFORE??..........

[sucadot]

Woke up the other day with a puzzled look on my face. I'd fallen asleep on my crossword.

If you see someone doing a crossword today, just lean over & say “7 up is Lemonade”

I like all sorts of puzzles, like jigsaws and crosswords, but dot to dots are where I draw the line.

I asked a friend if crossword compilers made up words. He said “no, just down and across words”.

I didn’t realise that I was addicted to crosswords but when I look back now, all the clues were there.

I know a chap who compiles crosswords and just turned 100. He was sent an anagram from the Queen.

A friend was in a theatre production about crossword puns. It was a play on words.

Suspect there will never be an edible version of a crossword, but if there is, I’ll eat my words.

[sucadot]

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

"Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you."

[sucadot]

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand.

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake" he points out "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"

A bit startled, the priest decides that he better check their latest effort against the original which is kept in vault beneath the abbey.

Well two days, then three days pass without the priest resurfacing. Finally, the new monk decides to see if the priest is alright. When he gets down there, he discovers the priest hunched over both a newly copied book and the ancient original text. He is sobbing and by the look of things has been sobbing for awhile.

"Father?" The monk whispers.

"Oh Lord Jesus," the priest wails, "The word is 'celebrate'."

[sucadot]

A company decides to enlist a few people to help with the running of their factory, A Swiss for the time, a German for leadership, a French for the food and a Chinese for the supplies.

On the first day the German walks around the factory looking at everyone and everyone is doing their jobs, he sees the Swiss and the French working but he can’t find the Chinese.

Next day the same thing happens, French, Swiss but no Chinese.

The third day passes, then the fourth, and finally on Friday he doesn’t see the Chinese anywhere when suddenly the Chinese jumps from behind a machine with a cake and says “SUPPLIES!”