Clean Humor Thread

[Anniemcc2]

Subject: WOMEN’S INSTITUTE EMAIL - Imagine JOYCE GRENFELL saying this...

Mobberly WI have issued the following guidance for isolation.

Right ladies, Judith Bickerstaffe has kindly emailed the crochet patterns for the face masks and matching underwear sets. Anyone who runs out of wool should message Delia who will leave fresh supplies in a vacuum sealed sandwich bag on your doorstep. She will knock the theme tune to Miami Vice on your door so you know it's her, you'll have to take pot luck on colours, but I do know there is a particularly lovely shade of burnt copper. Mavis has drawn up a rota for the Haz Mat suit and WW2 Gas Mask, it is one size fits all so please don't specify size requirements. If any of our less able members need provisions such as bread, milk, wine, Gin or pickled walnuts please contact Cynthia, who will pop to the shops for you providing her moped isn't being used by her grandson for pizza deliveries.

Laura will go ahead with her useful and inspirational talk on Christmas and other gifts made from j-cloths via Skype.

Currently we will have to abandon our collection of soft toys made from used hosiery, particularly after that unfortunate incident when Derek Malmsbury was found doing unspeakable things to the elephant made by his wife, Nora. I'm sure we all support Nora at this upsetting time. Apparently they WERE Derek's fishnets, which is why he was confused and why he wanted them back. Still that should never be done to a child's soft toy.

Connie is finishing off the template for making an emergency face mask and draft excluder from a spare bra. I know some members have raised concern that as Connie is a 46GG she has more material to work with than most, but she assures me her template will be scalable from 32 A upwards.

Audrey wants to apologize for the mix-up with the medication run, but please be rest assured Joan suffered no side effects from taking Marjorie Butterworth's husband Viagra and haliborange. And likewise Marjorie's husband seems to have responded really well to the HRT. Marjorie says they even agreed on the pattern for their new curtains.

Sad news because of the Government announcement, the trip to Leeds and 'Miss Fifi's Private Dungeon and Macrame club' has been postponed and at this moment we don't have a rescheduled date.

Great news: we have already started collecting prizes for the summer fayre raffle. It looks like the star prize this year may well be a pack of 9 Andrex Quilted Aloe Vera toilet rolls. Shortly followed by a complete set of knitted Nolan Sisters toilet roll covers. Mavis says any resemblance between Colleen and Anne Widdecombe is purely coincidental.

Right Ladies I must dash, I hear Springitts has just had a fresh delivery of tinned prunes.

[sucadot]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. He shows up with his attorney.

The auditor said "well sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly do it, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

[Posbear]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
-------------------------------------
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
-------------------------------------
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
-----------------------------------
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
------------------------------------------
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."
-------------------------------------------
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
-------------------------------------------

Boom, boom!

[sucadot]

[booksntings]

Subject: WOMEN’S INSTITUTE EMAIL - Imagine JOYCE GRENFELL saying this...

Mobberly WI have issued the following guidance for isolation.

Right ladies, Judith Bickerstaffe has kindly emailed the crochet patterns for the face masks and matching underwear sets. Anyone who runs out of wool should message Delia who will leave fresh supplies in a vacuum sealed sandwich bag on your doorstep. She will knock the theme tune to Miami Vice on your door so you know it's her, you'll have to take pot luck on colours, but I do know there is a particularly lovely shade of burnt copper. Mavis has drawn up a rota for the Haz Mat suit and WW2 Gas Mask, it is one size fits all so please don't specify size requirements. If any of our less able members need provisions such as bread, milk, wine, Gin or pickled walnuts please contact Cynthia, who will pop to the shops for you providing her moped isn't being used by her grandson for pizza deliveries.

Laura will go ahead with her useful and inspirational talk on Christmas and other gifts made from j-cloths via Skype.

Currently we will have to abandon our collection of soft toys made from used hosiery, particularly after that unfortunate incident when Derek Malmsbury was found doing unspeakable things to the elephant made by his wife, Nora. I'm sure we all support Nora at this upsetting time. Apparently they WERE Derek's fishnets, which is why he was confused and why he wanted them back. Still that should never be done to a child's soft toy.

Connie is finishing off the template for making an emergency face mask and draft excluder from a spare bra. I know some members have raised concern that as Connie is a 46GG she has more material to work with than most, but she assures me her template will be scalable from 32 A upwards.

Audrey wants to apologize for the mix-up with the medication run, but please be rest assured Joan suffered no side effects from taking Marjorie Butterworth's husband Viagra and haliborange. And likewise Marjorie's husband seems to have responded really well to the HRT. Marjorie says they even agreed on the pattern for their new curtains.

Sad news because of the Government announcement, the trip to Leeds and 'Miss Fifi's Private Dungeon and Macrame club' has been postponed and at this moment we don't have a rescheduled date.

Great news: we have already started collecting prizes for the summer fayre raffle. It looks like the star prize this year may well be a pack of 9 Andrex Quilted Aloe Vera toilet rolls. Shortly followed by a complete set of knitted Nolan Sisters toilet roll covers. Mavis says any resemblance between Colleen and Anne Widdecombe is purely coincidental.

Right Ladies I must dash, I hear Springitts has just had a fresh delivery of tinned prunes.

Annie may I copy this and post on facebook

[yellerbelly]

Annie the Joyce Grenfell piece is great sat here chuckling to myself whilst reading it, I am now going to post it to friends and family if you don't mind that is.

[Tropical_Trish]

LOL!!!!
Annie, I can just see Joyce Grenfell in my minds eye, she always cracked me up.
Wonderful piece of humour, thanks for giving us all a good laugh!

[yellerbelly]

LOL!!!!
Annie, I can just see Joyce Grenfell in my minds eye, she always cracked me up.
Wonderful piece of humour, thanks for giving us all a good laugh!

Ditto, also do you remember Flanders & Swan, wonder what their take would be on this at the moment or Hinge and Bracket

[Tropical_Trish]

Ditto, also do you remember Flanders & Swan, wonder what their take would be on this at the moment or Hinge and Bracket

Oh yes, I remember Flanders & Swan, and Dr. Evadne Hinge and Dame Hilda Bracket!
Anyone remember Les Dawson and Roy Barraclough - Cissy and Ada?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZjpcRhYbrU

[tony41]

What about Pete and Dud?