Clean Humor Thread

[sucadot]

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, “Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend.

We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas? I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”

He hurries home, grabs everything, and rushes off. Sunday night, he returns. His wife asks, “Did you have a good trip?”

“Oh yes, great! I think I really impressed the boss. But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”

“Oh, no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box.”

[sucadot]

A man goes to a pet shop to buy a pet for his lonely, widowed mother. The shop owner shows him all of the usual stuff,
hamsters, puppies, kittens, etc. and the man tells the owner that he's looking for something unique.

The owner takes him to the back of the shop and introduces him to raggedy looking parrot named Chet.

The man, rightfully so, is unimpressed with the parrot until the shop owner tells him that the bird
sings Christmas carols. The owner explains that all the man has to do is hold a flame under the bird's
right wing and he'll sing "Silent Night" or under the left wing and he'll sing "O' Holy Night". The
owner proceeds with a demonstration and the man, very impressed, takes the bird home.

When the man gets home he has to show his family what he has brought home so he gathers them all around the bird.
He holds a candle under the bird's right wing and the bird sings a beautiful rendition of "Silent Night".
Then the man holds the candle under the bird's left wing and the bird sings "O' Holy Night".

The man's son asks his father what happens if you hold the candle under the bird's tail,
and not knowing what might happen the man moves the candle under the bird's tail.
The bird gets a concerned look on his face and starts singing
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."

[sucadot]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

[sucadot]

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.

The local Methodist pastor appears and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman, "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
The second Irishman says "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their beer, roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi, when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."

[cheaver]

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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of an Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of £125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."


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[yellerbelly]

Thanks ladies for giving me something to laugh at, it has been a very trying week for me.

[sucadot]

Thanks ladies for giving me something to laugh at, it has been a very trying week for me.

Glad you enjoyed a few laughs, hope next week is a better one


Three friends walk into a hotel room in Soviet Russia


The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.

The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:

"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."

His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.

After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.

The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.

The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.

The receptionist responds:

"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."

[sucadot]

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"

"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."

"Too bad you didn't look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."

[cambrensis]

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat..... they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."

Why are jokes of this type so predictable - and yet still very funny? I've shared this wih three others from church already. It will continue, I'm sure.

[cheaver]

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A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"

His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."


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