How NOT to sell on eBid....

[cheaver]

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1. Don't fill in your All About Me page..... Tell prospective Buyers absolutely nothing about yourself. Don't let them think you are a human being who cares and is trying to help them as best you can. You're just a faceless "thing" - Buyers love that.


Having said that, should you decide to take the plunge & give Buyers a chance to get to know you a little bit ~ do remember the "little bit". Buyers don't want your full life history or a version of War and Peace! (thanks, sucadot)

2. Do list your items as RUS - Run Until Sold items stay at the bottom of the viewings lists.... brilliant, you can have your goodies all to yourself ~ FOREVER!

3. Don't open a Store - your items will enjoy floating about the eBid ether with thousands of other similar items.

4. Don't bother to change listing titles in any way thus making sure you have lots of duplicates - guaranteed to get them deleted. See 2 ~ and remember FOREVER.

5. Don't advertise your items in the Plug Forum AT ALL.... after all, all Forum members are Sellers and Sellers don't BUY do they? Anyway, Buyers don't read the Forums do they?

6. Have loads of references to eBay in your listings, with live links, and contact details - then eBid will remove them all and your descriptions will read like gobble-de-gook..... nice one!

7. Don't go to any trouble to properly describe your item - don't even bother to put what it is in your title.... Buyers will love trying to fathom it all out.

8. Ignore the HELP Button (top right) and don't read up any FAQ's or see any How To video's - or ask Forum members for advice (and then don't take it - after all, what do the seasoned Sellers on the Forum know? Thanks, sidthelamp) - just assume every online auction site works the same as everywhere else.
Well you drive your automatic car in exactly the same way as you did your manual one don't you? A car is a car, right?

9. Don't waste time thinking of suitable keywords in your titles so that the search engines can bring you loads more potential customers - the search engines will be glad of less work to do.

10. Leave the Item Specifics section in the listing form totally blank - guaranteed to make sure you won't get any Buyers from Google Shopping.


11. Don't bother putting up decent pictures of your items - out of focus will do just fine. Take really dark fuzzy pictures against a highly patterned background. This is particularly recommended if the item is itself patterned. (thanks squern). Don't bother rotating your pictures so that your item is shown upright - ALL Buyers have a 90 degree bend (to either side as appropriate) in their necks. Do remember to upload upside down pictures of your items - this will be especially appreciated by the Australian Buyers who can't see your items anyway 'cos you don't ship to Australia. That's the Oz Buyers fixed.

12. Make sure your eBid items are dearer to buy than anywhere else - even though the fees on eBid are less - guaranteed to make Buyers go elsewhere.

13. Remember to thoroughly rip potential Customers off by charging exorbitant postage fees.... enjoy your extra free time gazing at your unsold items (gained by not bothering to properly weigh & calculate proper costs).

14. Don't offer ANY of your items overseas..... Buyers only live in your Country anyway and if there are any outside of it they won't be able to see them so you're safe there.

15. Do remember to set a ridiculously high Reserve price and an equally ridiculously low bid start price on your items ~ Buyers have loads of time to waste and just love the frustration of repeatedly being told they haven't won your item.

16. While obeying 1-15, don't list lots of varied items to attract more Buyers - list just ONE expensive item for a week or so and then get upset when it doesn't sell. (thanks, Madelaine) ~ or come to the forums, say you can't sell and demand your money back (thanks, Maelbrigda).

17. Do remember to set your auction run time for at least a month or more ~ it's a well known fact that Buyers don't want items NOW or in the near future.

18. Don't worry about categories - stick all your stuff anywhere you feel like. (thanks, Madelaine). For example, Buyers will obviously look for Egg Cups in an Electronics category and, of course, eBid will delete listings wrongly categorised anyway so, either way, you get to keep your Egg Cups (or whatever) FOREVER.

19. Prospective buyers actually only want to see a Camera Icon instead of a Gallery picture when they are browsing. So what ever you do, do NOT waste your time and money supplying a thumb nail picture. (thanks, MPS16)

20. Only check your listings and e-mails once a month - Buyers are quite happy to wait that long while you send an invoice and ignore your eBid e-mails. (thanks squern)


and so on, ad infinitum and ad nauseum..... but you get the gist?

More "tips" on the next post if you would like to read on...

[cheaver]

Just a few more things....

21. Don't reply promptly to questions - make Buyers wait a few days, then either give a vague reply that doesn't answer the question, or tell them to like it or lump it. They will appreciate your professional attitude. (thanks squern).

22. If you are selling anything that can be laid flat, like clothing, stand well back when you take a photograph of it. A tiny picture of "something" disappearing into the distance is particularly welcome to Buyers. And never, under any circumstances, include anything in the picture which gives an idea of size or scale - Buyers love a surprise! (thanks squern!)

23. When it comes to problems, disputes or returns - remember, you are always right even if you're wrong.... for detailed strategies see #19. (thanks, squern.)

24. Fill your description with terms and conditions in tiny writing and negatively worded policies (thanks, Maelbrigda) ~ absolutely guaranteed to make Buyers run for their lives rather than hit the bid or buy button! That'll make sure your stock stays safe in your own keeping!

25. Do remember to fetch your Grandad's 1st World War Cannon with it's ammo, all your great Uncle's knives from when he was a Scout, all the family's dirty underwear, the fur from your dog which died 20 years ago and anything else which is banned from sale & get them all listed. Then sit back and wait for them all to be deleted. The Banned Items List isn't for YOU to read, is it?

26. If you are a new Seller do remember to spam the Forums replying to everyone's threads/posts with your grand introduction but you'll need a stopwatch for this one ~ you'll really enjoy seeing how fast all your efforts are deleted. And if you only join eBid to promote your own website that's real fun ~ for the privilege you get your introduction(s) deleted AND possibly a strike through your name into the bargain! Lovely!

27. Ignore the After Sales Log completely. Crush any thoughts of communication with Buyers totally ~ "Keep 'Em in the Dark" is a great motto. Don't let your Buyers know when an item has been dispatched or whether you are alive or dead. Don't leave good Feedback when they have paid you or welcome them to the Site (and your Store/Items/you) if they are new. Perfect for making sure they don't ever dare (or desire) to set foot near you or your items ever again.

28. Do not spoil eBid Support Staff's determined invisibility. Being HUMAN BEINGS they thoroughly enjoy hiding behind the Contact Us button at the bottom of every page and at the top (via HELP). Most Opticians will help you out with finding these buttons if/when you have a problem.

29. Be sure to fill the bottom of your listings with lots of rules and regulations in bold red lettering, detailing what a buyer must do to enjoy the privilege of buying from you. Be sure to include graphic details of what you will do if these stringent terms are not met. Mention "timewasters", and imply that you think the buyer is one. (thanks, squern)

30. Tell the buyer that you only mail out on Thursdays, at 3.00 pm, so he will receive the item some time the following week, and that you accept no responsibility whatsoever for items lost or damaged in the post.
Tell the buyer to claim from Royal Mail. You know it is a waste of time, but it will keep him occupied and out of your hair. (thanks, squern)

31. Remember that the Notice facility (My eBid>My Notices) is only there for fun so you can safely leave your listings running live in your absence (eg holidays or having a break from selling). Should anything sell or a Buyer ask any questions whilst you are away just ignore it/them. (thanks, EmpHolisticGifts)

32. If you do sell elsewhere do NOT send a flyer or any information at all with your sale to show your Buyers the way to eBid ~ especially if your items are cheaper due to lower fees. (thanks, EmpHolisticGifts). And DO NOT use eBid tape or labels on your parcels ~ you don't want to dispel the myth that things don't sell on eBid do you? (thanks, Knit_Wits_Vintage). Neither do you want pesky Buyers following you everywhere and building up your Customer base do you?

33. Don't bother checking for spelling mistakes especially in titles - you might just be lucky and be discovered by a Buyer who both knows what it is you are selling AND wants to buy it. Miracles DO happen.
If you are blessed with spelling being your forte and you spot someone else's error, do not under any circumstances do your good deed for the day and send a polite little note to *assist* with the correction. (thanks, EmpHolisticGifts)
And if by chance some kind person tells you about a mistake in your listing, ignore it. If you do decide to take the advice and correct the listing, don't bother to say "Thank you" for taking time to help you out. (thanks, TiasTreasures)

34. If after a few weeks you declare that eBid is useless, make sure that you remove ALL of your listings, that way anyone who may have been considering buying something from you won't be able to contact you or get their hands on any of your precious goods. (thanks, zaranvalesasterix)

35. When a Buyer buys more than one item from you and you post them together do make sure you don't adjust the invoice to combine the postage. Your Buyer won't feel ripped off, will look forward to being a return Customer and all your plans on an early retirement from your ill-gotten gains won't be scuppered.

36. ALWAYS TYPE IN CAPITAL LETTERS - SOME BUYERS HAVE BAD EYESIGHT. RED TYPE IS PARTICULARLY HELPFUL.
Do not get tempted to use punctuation. Do not use paragraphs or full-stops, as it deprives buyers of the joy of trying to make sense of your listing. If you can fill the whole page with one continuous sentence, so much the better. (thanks squern). As capital letters are also considered as SHOUTING they are particularly appreciated by the hard of hearing Buyer.

37. If you are unsure as to where you live at least indicate a vague direction somewhere in the Country - any Country will do - and you will instil total confidence and respect in your Buyers. Cork, West Midlands, UK might do the job ok, as well as London, Londonderry, UK or even Edinburgh, Canaervonshire, New South Wales.
Malaysia, London, England also displays both intelligence and integrity.

38. Should all of the above fail and you do make a sale, be sure to leave negative feedback if you don't get feedback from your Buyer, this will make sure they don't come back. (thanks, Poscar). But before you give them a negative, you must pester them with emails and reminders. (thanks, tony41)
And, of course, if your Buyer hasn't paid within the hour, you can neg them and make sure they don't complete the sale or come back for more. (thanks, zaranvalesasterix).

39. If you speak to anyone about eBid, tell them that you list a lot on there, but don't mention any sales. If you are new to eBid, or have just listed and run, make it clear that you expected instant results without any effort, that the money would just roll in, and that you are very disappointed with the site.

Tell them it compares badly to eBay, but don't mention the low listing fees, accessible support, or help and support from other eBidders. If the scammers, thieves and extortionate fees on eBay are mentioned, just pass it off as common to all sites. (thanks, squern) - and don't remember to point out that the eBid ejection seat for scammers is far better oiled and has a much greater trajectory than anywhere else.

40. If you are a new Seller don't even think about buying 1 or 2 small items on eBid yourself ~ you don't want to get used to how eBid works before you get your 1st sale do you? ~ or kickstart your Feedback?

41. Always post any questions you may have under "New Category Suggestions". When asking those questions be as combative as possible, because offending Forum users prevents them from buying stuff from you. Oh, and whining that you don't have your T-shirt is good - you don't actually want it because wearing it may result in sales for someone. (thanks, madelaine)

42. Always put your 'nothing is selling' post on as many threads as possible, that will ensure that you continue to not sell to Forum readers. (thanks, Poscar)

43. Never send your requested ID info to the Management, because if you do send it you might end up selling something. (thanks, Poscar)

44. Out-of-date items are a magnet to Buyers - especially if you state you don't sell them. Buyers will appreciate your Marketing skills.

45. Use lots of animations in your descriptions, not only are they a pointless distraction they also ensure that anyone with a slow internet connection or an old slow computer will have to wait a few good minutes before those animations can all load up properly. This will teach buyers that they should get a faster connection or buy a new computer. The optimum time for the sale would have elapsed therefore keeping the item safe from selling. (thanks, deanosaur1972)

46. Sellers often use notices where they can put a clear and concise message about combined postage - so why not have a notice that at the very least requires a calculator, or even better makes it impossible to work out because it is meaningless. You can have a giggle at the confusion you have caused as the buyer walks away scratching their heads. (thanks, deanosaur1972)

47. If you decide to join eBid as a Seller only do not remember to send your own invoice to your Buyers (keep 'em waiting) as Paypal isn't integrated into your account. Then come into the Forum & complain bitterly because you do not have the benefits of an upgraded account. Your Buyers will enjoy the delays & killing 2 birds with one stone is a great strategy.

48. Buyers sometimes have the bad habit of checking out a Seller's Feedback history and (the nerve of it!) even item history. By not leaving feedback you can stop them from this outrageous behaviour and pass up on a way to show your professionalism and gratitude to Buyers. (thanks, sidthelamp)

49. Don't bother with information in the description. You've already spent time with the title, so why should you say more? If you must put something, just repeat the title. (thanks, squern)

50. Talking of titles, make it as short and generic as possible. So if you're selling ladies black shoes, size 4, just put "shoes". With any luck your photograph won't make it any clearer than the description (see 11 & 22) what you are selling. Ideally, your title should be one word, and your description should match. (thanks, squern)

51. Don't remember to check and renew your 10 auto reposts (via Bulk Edit) every couple of months or so - that way all your listings will close at the end of the 10 reposts and you will have NOTHING showing for sale. Perfect for not selling anything.

52. Under no circumstances waste time and effort proof reading and checking a listing (or a Stores creation) before, or after it goes live. White text on a white (or similar) background is gloriously easy to read!
(thanks astral276 and MPS16).

53. W h e n t h i n k i n g o f c l e v e r w a y s t o e n s u r e t h a t y o u r i t e m s c a n n o t b e f o u n d t h e n y o u c o u l d a l w a y s u s e t h i s t y p e o f s p a c i n g i n y o u r t i t l e s.

Makes the items safe from keyword searchers as well as making the listing look like it has been compiled by a very bored 5 year old.(thanks deanosaur1972)



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? Perhaps the perfect penultimate?

(??) Don't list any items on eBid. (thanks, astral276).
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and for when we get to the end.... here is deanosaur1972's suggested finale:

(??) Having followed steps above and then given up in a matter of days/weeks to return to the other side, ensure that when returning to give eBid another chance in six months time that you do exactly the same as you were doing the first time. Likewise on the return after yet another six months and even again six months after that - ad infinitum. Because giving eBid another chance is a good thing, whilst giving yourself a chance is not necessary. (thanks, deano)

[cheaver]

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A light-hearted thread hoping to help anyone who needs it....

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[Anniemcc2]

I've subscribed so I can keep up with any updates

[sidthelamp]

new sellers dont take the advise of seasoned sellers on the forum , after all what do we know ?

[squern]

Look!

It's got to the top again!

Despite lack of participation by a single member.

How is it done? Is it some sort of magic, or intervention from acrtoss the galaxies?

Nobody knows.

[sherlock07]

Just so this thread does not get out of hand, would it be an idea for whoever the previous poster is to delete their post, leaving just the latest post?

[Gill]

No script error here.

Attachment 48000

[cheaver]

new sellers dont take the advise of seasoned sellers on the forum , after all what do we know ?

Thanks Sid. (added to no 8)

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[sherlock07]

Thanks Sid. (added to no 8)

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I think you missed the word don't in the update Cheaver