Ladies...
...if we are to ever get along then you need to understand the following:
1) Men are not mind readers.
2) Learn to work the toilet seat, you’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. You don’t hear us complaining when you leave it down.
3) Crying is blackmail.
4) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
5) "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. A grunt means we hold no strong views either way.
6) Come to us with problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
7) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
8) If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
9) If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
10) You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
11) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to during commercials.
12) Christopher Columbus did not need to ask directions and neither do we…
13) All men see in only 16 colours. Peach, for example, is a fruit not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
14) If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘Nothing’, we act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
15) If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear...
16) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really.
17) Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.
18) You have enough clothes.
19) You have too many shoes.
20) I am in shape, round is a shape!
21) Anything promised in the pursuit of sex is not binding.
Thank you for reading this, yes I know, I’m sleeping on the couch tonight… but did you know men don’t really mind that? It’s like camping…
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Farting and belching are good things, just ask my bulldoggy... 
