Jokes 'n' stuff

[damian_steele]

The Lord came to Noah, in Canada, in the year 2004. The earth was wicked and over-populated. The Lord instructed Noah to build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans. "Here's the blueprint", said the Lord. "Hurry.... in six months I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later the rain started. The Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his flooded yard.... and no ark. "Noah", He roared, "Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "Things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I have violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and the height limitation being exceeded. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then Transport Canada and the Department of Highways and Hydro wanted a bond posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of this.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. No go!

I gathered the animals, but then I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in so confined a space.

Environment Canada decided that I could not build the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. The trades union wants me to hire only Union trades-people with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the Canada Revenue Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally as well as with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. A rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder."You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" he asked.

"No", said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it"

[damian_steele]

Corallaries to Murphy's Law

1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends....if they're ok, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

12. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
13. You can't fall off the floor.
14. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
15. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
16. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
17. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

[damian_steele]

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,

"What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned,

"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied,

"That's because he's inside your cat."

[damian_steele]

ATM Banking Procedures

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

''Please note that this bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the below outlined procedures when accessing their accounts.

Separate MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of careful research.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.''



MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine, and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required, and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.............



FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse, and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Turn the radio down.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open the car door, to allow easy access to machine, due to its excessive distance from the vehicle.

8. Insert card.

9. Reinsert card, the right way up.

10. Dig through handbag, to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel, and reenter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check make up, in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash, and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again, to locate wallet, and place cash inside.

17. Place receipt, in back of checkbook.

18. Recheck make-up again.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back, to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver queuing behind.

24. Restart stalled engine, and pull away. . . . . . . . . . . .

25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. . . . . . . . . . . . .

26. Release Parking Brake. . . . . . . . .

[damian_steele]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?
"You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving with you in the bloody car."

[damian_steele]

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In modern education and expanded government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Re-classifying the dead horse as "living-impaired."

8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.

10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.





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15. As a last resort, sell it on Ebay.

[damian_steele]

Well I thought they were funny.

Obviously no one else agrees.

[frommetoyou]

I liked them

[pupsandpets]

Excellent - the boy with the fish my fav. LMHO

[melboy]

Daddy bear..."who's been eatin my porridge"
Baby bear..."and WHO's been eatin MY porridge"






Mummy bear..."shurrup!!...ya whingeing pair of t**ts....I've not made the f***ing porridge yet.