As its quiet on the forums tonight

[craig7501]

Thought I'd share a few with you.

Bathtime Fun

A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.

His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.

"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.

"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on

He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily

"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.

When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.

A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer

"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily

"Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle"

[craig7501]

REVENGE IS SWEET

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

[craig7501]

A LITTLE CULTURE

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants,".

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A Belch is but a gust of wind
That cometh from the Heart,
But should it take a downward trend,
Turneth into a Fart

[craig7501]

RESPECT YOUR ELDERS

Did you hear about the old guy who went to the retirement home?

His kids had the old man in a rest home that was the best money could buy. He even had a pair of orderlies who stood by his side 24 hours a day.

The kids came to visit him and noticed that the oldster would lean to the left and the orderly on that side would straighten him up. When he leaned to the right, that orderly straightened him up.

This went on throughout their visit.

In the course of the conversation, his son asked him how he liked the home.

'The home is fine' said Dad, 'but it is these two lummoxes that give me trouble'.

'How so?' asked the son.

'How so? Every time I lean over to fart, they won't let me!'

[craig7501]

EGGS OVER EASY

A gentleman walked into a diner and says to the waitress, "I'll have a set of headlights and four hubcaps."

This confused the waitress, but she wrote it down and went to check with the cook.

The cook replies, "That is just old short-order slang. What he wants is two eggs overeasy and a stack of four pancakes.

The waitress says, "I'll fix him!" and serves him a bowl of beans.

"Hey, this aint what I ordered," he bellows.

"Well, I thought while you were waiting for spare parts, you might want to gas up"

[craig7501]

BEANS ANYONE

Mrs Miggins had a restaurant famous throughout the land. Travellers would come from far and wide to eat her marvellous Bean Casserole.

Many noted that it didn't make you fart like other bean stews, curious travellers asked "Mrs Miggins why doesn't your Bean Casserole make you fart?"

"Because I use Exactly 239 Beans"

"Just 239 Beans? That seems very exact. Why 239?"

"Because one more would make it Two Forty"

[harold69]

I like the first one best