Gronerz

[tpypr]

A friend of mine, not being able to decide between reed and stringed instruments, recently purchased an alto saxophone and a couple of fiddles. He lives in a small apartment and doesn't really have a good place to keep them so he built a rack that fits over the television set. His wife, however, won't let him keep them there. She says that there's already too much sax and violins on TV.....

A member of the high school science club learned hypnosis, and wanted to share his knowledge, so he taught another member, and she taught another, and so on. This became know as trancing geek to geek.

"Terrible day," said the Great Dane as he complained to his master. "Work was bad, but then I got on the bus and it was completely packed with small dogs." "Well," replied the master, "that's what you get for riding during peke hours."

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

[tpypr]

My grandmother was beaten to death by my grandfather. I don't mean like that! It's just that he died first!

My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely!

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing - someone's losing a trailer!

A man from Kentucky walks into a chemist and asks for a bar of soap. The chemist says
"Do you want it scented?" And the man says "No, I'll take it with me now!"

[tpypr]

Earl was passing by Bubba's hay shed one day...
... when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first to the right, then to the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his cap on to a pile of hay.

"What on earth are you doing, Bubba?" says Earl.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!" says an obviously embarrassed Bubbia. "But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor!"

[tpypr]

Company Mergers


Companies are always consolidating. Here is some inside information about some potential mergers...

•Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace

•Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker

•3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood

•Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa

•FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP

•Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild

•Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants

•Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

[tpypr]

It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum.
All the inmates were standing in the courtyard singing "Ave Maria" and singing it beautifully.

Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the choir director. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."

Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the director.

"You should take them on tour!" said the visitor.

"What are they called"?

"Surely that must be obvious," replied the director.....

"They are the Moron Tapanapple Choir."

[tpypr]

What a farm! First, the farmer taught all his livestock to play poker so he could see three billy goats bluff and then the scarecrow won the Nobel Prize because he was out standing in his field!!!

Baseball is not Cinderella's game. She had a pumpkin for a coach and was always running away from the ball!

And then there was the teacher who, refusing to fart in public, gained recognition as a private tooter.

[tpypr]

Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Patient: Well doc, I'm a wigwam.
Doctor: Really!?
Patient: No, not really. I'm a Teepee.
Doctor: Hmmm
Patient: Actually I am a wigwam.
Patient: No, a teepee!
Patient: Wigwam!
Patient: Teepee!
Doctor: Hold on, hold on! I know what your problem is.
Patient: You do?
Doctor: Yeah, you're two tents!


(Definitely a "groaner"!)

[tpypr]

......I played a few extra gigs and wound up making some extra money, so I thought I'd treat myself to dinner at a fancy restaurant. I walked in and the Matre 'D said, "We have a dress code here, and you need to wear a tie."

I thought for a minute and said, "I'll be right back."

I went out to my truck to look for a tie, but all I could find was a set of jumper cables, so I looped them around my neck, tied them in a knot, and went back inside.

The Matre 'D looked at me and said, "Okay, I'll let you in this time, but don't you start anything."

[tpypr]

Not many people know that Edison was a avid fisherman. He usually included some trout fishing in his infrequent vacations.

During one such trip to the west he was befriended by an Indian tribe. They provided free room and board, as well as expert fishing guides for his stay. On his first night he discovered that the only sanitary facility was an old-fashioned outhouse. To make things worse it had no light even though the village had electricity in the homes.

As a thank-you gift for their kindnesses, Edison purchased the necessary materials and personally installed lighting in the Indians privy. He thus became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.

[tpypr]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. You see I'm a gynecologist."

At that point, the proctologist fainted.